I've been kind of down lately. My dog isn't at school with me right now (because I'm going to Salt Lake for five days ... he had to go home :( ), school is more stressful than ever, I miss Scott times a million ... every time I see my friends' boyfriends leave the dorm in the morning ... anytime I see boys walk past my room ... anytime I see a male - I miss him, and my friends are all changing. We're all busy; they all complain about being busy ... but have no problem getting drunk every night - speaking of which, my friends who didn't drink before ... they're alcoholics now. No one wants to go out and just DO SOMETHING! They either want to get drunk or stay in and order pizza. Oh yea, and this life of mine - it's all this giant competition! Everything I do I am being competed with! By my best friends! They have to look better than me, spend more money than me, do better than me, take my genious ideas and pitch them to a huge contact; they have to have a "better relationship" than me, dress better than me (not hard ... ), meet better people than me, do their hair the way I do mine just to prove that theirs is better! I G E T I T! (I'm obviously in a bad mood :) ...). I'M JUST SO FRUSTRATED WITH LIFE! So tonight! I decided to read Philippians - one of my Favorite books - and it says, "Be brave when you face your enemies. Your courage will show them that they are going to be destroyed, and it will show you that you will be saved. God will make all of this happen, and he has blessed you. Not only do you have faith in Christ, but you suffer for him. You saw me suffer, and you still hear about my troubles. Now you must suffer in the same way." This makes me feel slightly better. I can win. God, help me prove myself.

Here I sit, alone in my room at 8:00 p.m., just like every other night of the week. I'm three weeks ahead on my homework from the weekends by myself. My closest friends are all attending their nightly Kappa Delta meetings and my aquaintences are attending Maxim parties at the Budwiser plant or Halloween parties I'll never be invited to. My man has football games to attend to. My parents are at their church meetings. My brother is skateboarding. My other brother, sleeping. The girl above is practicing her tap routine and modeling infront of her mirror for her NEXT appearance in Seventeen. The girl next door is making 50 dress paterns due in one week; each patern takes at least 1 hour. Rupert is all I have to depend on, to rely on ... and even he doesn't want to do anything with me. I love all my friends here, but things are changing between us. We are all still so close, our schedules just don't mesh. I'm always the last to find something out ... and it seems like when I do, it was a slip-up. I have so much time invested in the school. I just keep thinking ... after this year, I only have one more. I'm right on schedule to graduate in 3 years - they say college is the best years of your life ... I obviously disagree or I wouldn't be in such a rush. And you know, I'd like to blame my incredibly boring college career on this crazy school with a wide array of "shackers" and feminists ... but I can't. It's my fault. I'm the one who doesn't want to drink (technically, I can't have alcohol anyway with my hypoglycemia) ... I'm the one who doensn't want to be the dominatrix on Halloween. I don't want to join a silly sorority for $600 a year just so I can have good 'ole superficial friends and a designated "floor" to live on in a crappy dorm. I want to have spontaneous nights to the Spanish Fly, IHOP and Wal-Mart. I want to have wheel-barrel races down the hallway and arts and crafts once a week. Oh well. Reminicing doesn't do me any good. I still sit here in my room, now at 8:30, doing absolutely nothing. I better get used to it. It's going to be a long two years.

As I sit here in my room all alone on this Friday evening eating my WONDERFUL Mr. Freeze pop, I can't help but think about these past nine months. I remember leaving home - getting here - I hung up all my oil pastel "Boy Meets ..." pictures and ACT posters with blue and yellow sticky tack. I strategically placed my bed and my TV so I could watch My Girl every lonely night. I sticky tacked all your senior pictures to one of my mirrors just to remind myself that ... somehwere ... some one cared. I met Lauren, the person whom I would be sharing my bathroom with for nine months; I just knew we wouldn't click. Orientation was the W O R S T. Classes began. They were hard. Work began. Even harder. -- Basically, life began and it was hard. I cryed to my mom and dad every night for two weeks. I'm glad to say: Things changed; it was a hard adjustment, but it got easier. I learned eventually that I was not the only one crying every night! Yay! I wasn't alone! Lauren and I did click! Lots of us became good friends. I feel like these girls know me better than anyone. They know that I only eat Americanize Mexcican (ie: Taco Bell). They know not to take me shopping or to ask if I want to go to silly Club Shattered (The place that I am convinced is just as cool as the Skating Rink: In 4th grade you think it is AWESOME because all the older kids go, but once you become one of those "older kids" you realize that only the losers actually go.) --------> gotta go. bye.

Everyone in this world has something to offer. Everyone has something inside of them that is wonderful! Sometimes, you need to look really hard to find it - but it can always be found. I wish we could all just dwell on the good characteristics instead of the bad ones.

Situation: bad. My place in the situation: the middle. God! May 4 can't come soon enough! And it will be hell until that day comes! Here I am - stuck right in the middle of the biggest drama I have ever been in - AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING! All I know is that I love both sides. And because I'm in the middle, it's always both sides saying to each other: "Jen said you said ______" followed by, "Jen! Jen said that! I told JEN not to tell you!" E V E R Y T H I N G I SAY TO THEM B A C K F I R E S! I try to say, "Oh no, I dont think ___meant anything by that, she was just hurt, she didn't try to make you mad." then they say to me, "really. that's what she told you? She lied to me. That's not what she told me." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ALL I AM TRYING TO DO IS BE THE MEDIATOR! BECAUSE I CAN'T GET OUT OF IT! AND I THINK BOTH SIDES ARE RIGHT IN ALMOST EVERYTHING THEY SAY TO ME! This is going to be a tough weekend. Here, at school, all by myself - Im the only person I know who Isnt leaving. And I have nothing to get my mind off of EVERYTHING I DO WRONG according to some of these people. anyway - i have a huge test that my life has been too dramatized to study for. Its in an hour. So we'll see how it goes. I guess God has a reason for this. I just hope I see it before May 4th.

It's almost 1 a.m. I should be writing papers and presentations - but I just have so many better things on my mind! Mainly, just God. He really is amazing! I was just thinking tonight of how wonderful things are. I mean, I remember a time in my life when I honestly did not believe life could get worse - and I certainly didn't believe it would get better. I remember crying myself to sleep every night, thinking I wasn't even worthy of praying to God - but for some reason, I still did. I guess sometimes it just felt like he was the only one who understood. And I mean! Why wouldn't he?! If anyone knows suffering, it's God! (He watched his Son, his only child, get ALL the sins of ALL humankind physically lashed onto his body! Talk about horrible!) --But now, I just look back and think about all the things I prayed for when I didn't even think God should be listening: happiness, love, to get along with my parents, for someone to trust, for my brothers, to like college, for my friends to like college, to be able to grow "spiritually" with my suitemate whom I had never met in my life! I think I asked for an aweful lot! But He certainly did not disappoint me. And yea, sometimes it took him a while to give me what I wanted ... and sometimes he didn't give me what I asked for. but waiting taught me patience ... and more importantly, appreciation. [SPACE] You know. I still know things don't always go the way I want them to. I understand that sometimes God gives - and a lot of times He takes away. But God, do what you please with me. I'm all yours.

Yes. It's true. Today is a sad sad day. Lauren and I went to the Humane Society. At first it was great. We were pumped, all the dogs were beautiful, there were a lot that were rescued from Katrina:(... and as we were making our rounds and approaching the end, i had yet felt no real.. bond.. with a dog. Until the next-to-last kennel on the left side. In there layed a 3 month old collie terrier mix. he had the fluffiest fur and his face was like the Lisa Frank dog - and because he was mixed with a terrier he wasn't supposed to get THAT big. He didn't bark. He didn't whine. He wasn't too hyper. He was perfect. And I stress: PERFECT. I fell in LOVE with him. So you know what I did? I called my mom while Lauren got someone to come help us. And while my mom was asking me 10 million questions ( the same ones over and over) - an old... old couple came in. walked right to this dog. the woman pushed me right out of her way, sat down and started talking to the dog. The old man stood back with papers and a check in his hand. I'm sad. --------But I'll find one someday. One that is just for me.

Today is gorgeous. A high of 75... and its supposed to be 80 tomorrow. And all I can think about is: If I had a dog - I could have taken off work, put on some shorts, a high school gym shirt and my tennis shoes and jogged on down to Stephens Lake where my dog and I could have frolicked around aimlessly looking at the fish and watching the paddle boaters. Boy do I want a puppy. And food. Boy do I want food. Bye!

As everyone knows, Ive been worn out and stressed out and... all that crap. And so lately Ive been thinking... my school was the first school in the country to have specific dorms where pets can live - and now, all I can think about... is how WONDERFUL it would be to just curl up on my bed with a doggy at night... or hold him when I am sad... or squeeze him when I miss my friends for family... So - I have decided... I want this dog. Because I love it. Anyways, my dad says that he doesnt want a dog at our house in the summer- but he still told me that its my decision! .......To have a dog or not to have a dog. --The only bad part is that my dorm room would be smaller than it is now, I wouldnt have my own bathroom anymore, andit could be expensive.... Is a dog worth it? Give me input!!

Yes, for anyone who cares, I am doing much better. Im going to drop event planning. Thatll make things A LOT better. And I decided the major I am going into is too cut-throat and un-compassionate for me, but there are still things i can do that I think I would like. My days are going way better now. And my mommy is here:)... so bye!

I think I have gone as far to say that no, I am not stressed. I am depressed. Life is so difficult right now! All I can think about is dropping out of school - and if I did, I'd probably be even more depressed. It's like everything is changing, everything is going wrong, or everything is piling up and I can't seem to widdle it down even the slightest bit! I've been thinking about lightening my load by "withdrawling" from Event Planning. Sure, it's required for my major... but with 18 credit hours, 12 hours a during weekdays at work, at least 3 papers due every week (not including all my online homework and random assignments), the 100 hours outside-of-class volunteer work in planning for the class before spring break just doesnt seem do-able (especially since I only have 13 hrs. completed.) And besides that, right now the two classes I hate the most are: Marketing... and Event Planning. That seems really great doesn't it?! Two of the classes that have a great-deal to do with THE REST OF MY LIFE. So now - all I can think about is... maybe I should switch majors. But if I switch my major... I would have to switch schools. And quite honestly, I LOVE IT HERE. Well - sort of. Now comes the final problem I am going to talk about: I go to a school with 499 other girls. thats it. This is a school with 500 FEMALES. Anyways, all my closest friends were/are now a part of "Kappa Delta." It wasn't bad when some of us were and some of us weren't... but now... everyone is... except me. I hate when I ask, "what was that?" and I get teh response, "Oh sorry, I was actually talking to _______," or "it was so funny at chapter on wed. night when....," or when they give that little look to each other and I have to say, "oh. I understand! I know I can't know!" And I mean! I do understand! And I know it's something they love...... and thats fine..... I just don't think that I will be apart of it. I mean... "STEPHENS COLLEGE" practically IS a sorority! It hurts me to think that when I come back next fall, I will have to find all new friends... but I love my friends... and I guess that is why it hurts.

Long time no write. -- im stressed, tired, and completely worn out. Spring break can't come soon enough.

I miss Daniel. I miss Matt and Lila. And I really miss Audrey. I miss my mommy and daddy. ...I miss Scott. [SPACE] It doesnt matter how much I love it here... Its so hard to be here when all the girls leave EVERY WEEKEND and the few who dont leave have bf's come stay with them! I wish someone would come see me.

This morning Lauren and I mossied on over to Jeff City for some Panera (and of course I got to visit the Capitol Building!) and then to a 5th grade basketball game. Now you see, Lauren's best friend coaches this team (which includes his brother)... and as I was sitting there... I thought to myself: [SPACE] 1. Lauren is going to be one of those moms who owns the bleacher-seat-cushion with the school mascot on it and yells at the refs for all their poor decision making... and [SPACE] 2. God is a lot like a fifth grade basketball coach. I mean, lets face it, at such a young age they still dont know quite what they are doing. The coach tells themm and tells them but for some reason those fifth grade boys just need to figure it out on their own. He tells them all the right plays to make, all the proper ways of shooting the ball and all the tricks of the trade... but the boys dont always listen to the coach... sometimes they just roll their eyes at him acutally. And even though the coach tells them, sometimes, the boys mess up. Sometimes they make the ball in the wrong hoop. Sometimes they foul. Sometimes the lose the ball. Sometimes the trip over their own two feet... But you know, When the game has all been said and done, alll they boys will get high-5's and ice cream. the boys are winners to the coach no matter what... Because - The boys did trust in the coach... and the coach trusted in the boys. [SPACE AGAIN] I guess you can kind of figure out the analogy yourself... maybe Ill add later, but I just need to talk to the bf....:) Bye!!

****EDIT**** (Deleted due to fact that I cant express feelings and my mac doesnt let me delete entries for some reason)

--I just got back to school a couple hours ago. and I am extremely homesick. And no one understands. I dont care what you say! You dont uunndddeerrssttaanndd! I'm the only person eight hours away... I left and no one left with me! I left the mmaann ooff mmyy ddrreeaammss way up there! And maybe he's only a phone-call away... but in reality... he's FOUR MONTHS away! And I just wish I would have gotten to spend on more day with him. Or got one more hug from him. I wish I never had to get another kiss on the forehead ever again (That always means goodbye). And I miss my mommy and daddy. And my brothers. And my niece. Dont get me wrong. I love my friends down here an insanely large amount! And I missssssssed them soooooo much! BUT its hard for me to be completely happy in one place! So I came to this conclusion: I will never be happy until my friends and family decides to move to Columbia. See you all soon! (Directions: Take hwy 60 onto 75 (LeMars), get on I-29 South outside of sioux city -- follow signs to Kansas City then get on 435 East by KC... then about 30 minutes later (not too far past Worlds of Fun) follow signs to ST. Louis/ I-70... get on I-70 East and YOULL BE HERE in an hour and half! Then from the Interstate the signs to the college are simple!)

Yay!  Christmas is tomorrow!

Happy Birthday Jesus!

 

But tomorrow - I will be spending 23 hours on my way to Las Vegas with my family (including Matt, Lila and Audrey)  Woooo  Hooo.

 

Anyways, Just wanted to say MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

 

(p.s. sorry I havent been doing much of anything with anyone... Ive kind of been enjoying the serenity!  Im sure someone understands... maybe...!)

Dear Lord, tonights prayer will be much shorter than most. I just want to say.... THANK YOU.... for the thesaurus. Amen.