I've been kind of down lately. My dog isn't at school with me right now (because I'm going to Salt Lake for five days ... he had to go home :( ), school is more stressful than ever, I miss Scott times a million ... every time I see my friends' boyfriends leave the dorm in the morning ... anytime I see boys walk past my room ... anytime I see a male - I miss him, and my friends are all changing. We're all busy; they all complain about being busy ... but have no problem getting drunk every night - speaking of which, my friends who didn't drink before ... they're alcoholics now. No one wants to go out and just DO SOMETHING! They either want to get drunk or stay in and order pizza. Oh yea, and this life of mine - it's all this giant competition! Everything I do I am being competed with! By my best friends! They have to look better than me, spend more money than me, do better than me, take my genious ideas and pitch them to a huge contact; they have to have a "better relationship" than me, dress better than me (not hard ... ), meet better people than me, do their hair the way I do mine just to prove that theirs is better! I G E T I T! (I'm obviously in a bad mood :) ...). I'M JUST SO FRUSTRATED WITH LIFE! So tonight! I decided to read Philippians - one of my Favorite books - and it says, "Be brave when you face your enemies. Your courage will show them that they are going to be destroyed, and it will show you that you will be saved. God will make all of this happen, and he has blessed you. Not only do you have faith in Christ, but you suffer for him. You saw me suffer, and you still hear about my troubles. Now you must suffer in the same way." This makes me feel slightly better. I can win. God, help me prove myself.

Here I sit, alone in my room at 8:00 p.m., just like every other night of the week. I'm three weeks ahead on my homework from the weekends by myself. My closest friends are all attending their nightly Kappa Delta meetings and my aquaintences are attending Maxim parties at the Budwiser plant or Halloween parties I'll never be invited to. My man has football games to attend to. My parents are at their church meetings. My brother is skateboarding. My other brother, sleeping. The girl above is practicing her tap routine and modeling infront of her mirror for her NEXT appearance in Seventeen. The girl next door is making 50 dress paterns due in one week; each patern takes at least 1 hour. Rupert is all I have to depend on, to rely on ... and even he doesn't want to do anything with me. I love all my friends here, but things are changing between us. We are all still so close, our schedules just don't mesh. I'm always the last to find something out ... and it seems like when I do, it was a slip-up. I have so much time invested in the school. I just keep thinking ... after this year, I only have one more. I'm right on schedule to graduate in 3 years - they say college is the best years of your life ... I obviously disagree or I wouldn't be in such a rush. And you know, I'd like to blame my incredibly boring college career on this crazy school with a wide array of "shackers" and feminists ... but I can't. It's my fault. I'm the one who doesn't want to drink (technically, I can't have alcohol anyway with my hypoglycemia) ... I'm the one who doensn't want to be the dominatrix on Halloween. I don't want to join a silly sorority for $600 a year just so I can have good 'ole superficial friends and a designated "floor" to live on in a crappy dorm. I want to have spontaneous nights to the Spanish Fly, IHOP and Wal-Mart. I want to have wheel-barrel races down the hallway and arts and crafts once a week. Oh well. Reminicing doesn't do me any good. I still sit here in my room, now at 8:30, doing absolutely nothing. I better get used to it. It's going to be a long two years.

As I sit here in my room all alone on this Friday evening eating my WONDERFUL Mr. Freeze pop, I can't help but think about these past nine months. I remember leaving home - getting here - I hung up all my oil pastel "Boy Meets ..." pictures and ACT posters with blue and yellow sticky tack. I strategically placed my bed and my TV so I could watch My Girl every lonely night. I sticky tacked all your senior pictures to one of my mirrors just to remind myself that ... somehwere ... some one cared. I met Lauren, the person whom I would be sharing my bathroom with for nine months; I just knew we wouldn't click. Orientation was the W O R S T. Classes began. They were hard. Work began. Even harder. -- Basically, life began and it was hard. I cryed to my mom and dad every night for two weeks. I'm glad to say: Things changed; it was a hard adjustment, but it got easier. I learned eventually that I was not the only one crying every night! Yay! I wasn't alone! Lauren and I did click! Lots of us became good friends. I feel like these girls know me better than anyone. They know that I only eat Americanize Mexcican (ie: Taco Bell). They know not to take me shopping or to ask if I want to go to silly Club Shattered (The place that I am convinced is just as cool as the Skating Rink: In 4th grade you think it is AWESOME because all the older kids go, but once you become one of those "older kids" you realize that only the losers actually go.) --------> gotta go. bye.

Everyone in this world has something to offer. Everyone has something inside of them that is wonderful! Sometimes, you need to look really hard to find it - but it can always be found. I wish we could all just dwell on the good characteristics instead of the bad ones.

Situation: bad. My place in the situation: the middle. God! May 4 can't come soon enough! And it will be hell until that day comes! Here I am - stuck right in the middle of the biggest drama I have ever been in - AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING! All I know is that I love both sides. And because I'm in the middle, it's always both sides saying to each other: "Jen said you said ______" followed by, "Jen! Jen said that! I told JEN not to tell you!" E V E R Y T H I N G I SAY TO THEM B A C K F I R E S! I try to say, "Oh no, I dont think ___meant anything by that, she was just hurt, she didn't try to make you mad." then they say to me, "really. that's what she told you? She lied to me. That's not what she told me." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ALL I AM TRYING TO DO IS BE THE MEDIATOR! BECAUSE I CAN'T GET OUT OF IT! AND I THINK BOTH SIDES ARE RIGHT IN ALMOST EVERYTHING THEY SAY TO ME! This is going to be a tough weekend. Here, at school, all by myself - Im the only person I know who Isnt leaving. And I have nothing to get my mind off of EVERYTHING I DO WRONG according to some of these people. anyway - i have a huge test that my life has been too dramatized to study for. Its in an hour. So we'll see how it goes. I guess God has a reason for this. I just hope I see it before May 4th.

It's almost 1 a.m. I should be writing papers and presentations - but I just have so many better things on my mind! Mainly, just God. He really is amazing! I was just thinking tonight of how wonderful things are. I mean, I remember a time in my life when I honestly did not believe life could get worse - and I certainly didn't believe it would get better. I remember crying myself to sleep every night, thinking I wasn't even worthy of praying to God - but for some reason, I still did. I guess sometimes it just felt like he was the only one who understood. And I mean! Why wouldn't he?! If anyone knows suffering, it's God! (He watched his Son, his only child, get ALL the sins of ALL humankind physically lashed onto his body! Talk about horrible!) --But now, I just look back and think about all the things I prayed for when I didn't even think God should be listening: happiness, love, to get along with my parents, for someone to trust, for my brothers, to like college, for my friends to like college, to be able to grow "spiritually" with my suitemate whom I had never met in my life! I think I asked for an aweful lot! But He certainly did not disappoint me. And yea, sometimes it took him a while to give me what I wanted ... and sometimes he didn't give me what I asked for. but waiting taught me patience ... and more importantly, appreciation. [SPACE] You know. I still know things don't always go the way I want them to. I understand that sometimes God gives - and a lot of times He takes away. But God, do what you please with me. I'm all yours.